I hate Michael Bay.

Not only do I hate him, I hate his parents for committing the sleazy, barnyard incest that most surely must have occurred for this man to have spawned. I especially hate whoever it is that let Michael Bay suck his cock and eat his hot lunch in exchange for giving Bay his "big break".

Here's 6 reasons why:

1. He makes crappy movies

This of course is a given but is the root of my hatred.

2. The Hero Shot

Ever notice how there are at least a dozen shots in any given movie of his that are centered from around knee level to frame the hero, or heroes (as is often the case) from a nauseating, nosehair revealing angle? If there is anyone walking, then it's usually in slow-mo also.

Obviously, this cheesy manuever is meant to give the actors a larger than life appearance (they ARE moviestars, after all.) . It is however, also meant to cow the dumbshit viewer (hey, I'VE never paid $10.50 to watch one of these shitfests in the theatre, nor have I ever rented one, so screw you if you did.) with the HUGENESS of the movie and to heighten the importance of characters that anyone with half a brain should not give a flying fuck about. Bay is saying "Hey! Listen up, dumbfuck, this scene is important and the stakes are VERY high!!!"

3. Constant Panning

Like a 7 year old with ADHD who has stolen his parents digital camcorder, Bay is seemingly unable to keep a steady shot. This highly stylized technique is the result of him being artistically unable to use a steady frame to create passable cinematography. Watch one of his movies. Anytime the camera is fixed (and not pointing up from the ground), the cinematography is decidedly lack-luster.

By keeping things moving so fast, he dumbfounds the lowest common denominator viewership, which is of course his primary target and sole cash cow, with vertigo inducing pepsi commercial camera work.

4. He always uses the same shitty actors

I used to like Steve Buscemi. That was back when the only movie of his I'd seen was Fargo (THAT was a great fucking movie with cinematography of the highest order). Even after I saw "Imma-crap-on" (you know, the one where God answers my prayers and sends a giant asteroid to kill Michael Bay), I still liked Steve Buscemi, though perhaps I respected him less. Since my wife forced me to watch the "Island" (I can't think of a funny name for that one) I have one question:

Can we get somebody else to play "Quirky, perverted weirdo" in your next shitfest???

Then there's Michael Clarke Duncan. Black actors complain that there's no work for them, and that's because Bay will only hire Duncan to play "Huge, but sensitive and non-threatening, Black dude".

Ben Affleck...don't get me fucking started. I haven't seen "Pearl Necklace Harbor". I refuse to sink that low.

5. His movies look so goddamn polished

As if every scene is airbrushed within an inch of it's life, the polarized and color-enhanced shots give all his movies a sense of otherworldlyness that is once again designed to awe the retarded, but in reality succeeds only in taking the discerning viewer further out of touch with whatever the hell it is that's supposed to be going on.

6. This shit makes money

LOTS and LOTS of money. People actually go and see these movies in numbers great enough to make Bay a kajillionaire when true genius like Vadim Perelman (see my upcoming "House of Sand and Fog" review) goes largely unnoticed by the American veiwing audience.